Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
