Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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