i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
