he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
