yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
