You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
