so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
