i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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