Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
