you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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