I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
