You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
