someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Is that strawberry winking at me??
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
