Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
