I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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