seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Everclear isn't food dammit
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
