I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
