Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
