I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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