And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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