I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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