so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
