Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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