Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
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I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
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