i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
