I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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