i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
