dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
