Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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