Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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