Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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