haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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