meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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