i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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