I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
