Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
