if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
