So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
