"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
