WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
