I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
