I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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