I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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