It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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