Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
