My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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