6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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