Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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