I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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