toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
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You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
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She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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