i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
