The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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