Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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