Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
